What’s Missing?

We all like churros.
We all like churros.

I’m on here again. Writing every day takes effort. It would be so easy to skip today. I feel sad and tired. I woke up feeling panicked at 3 AM. Thinking about evil, anonymous poisoners is trying my trust in humans. Elvis is unwell. He’s 11 and in pain. We’re taking him to the vet tomorrow. I suspect cancer and have for about 2 years. He’s a dog of low pain tolerance and high anxiety. For this reason we opted no investigation or treatment for his lumps. So here I am second guessing myself when I don’t even know what is wrong. Olive is wary and weak.

Our assignment is to contemplate what is missing from our lives. I am missing energy and drive. Two years after a heart surgery and many exams and month long studies and this beta blocker I just feel robbed of vitality. I am tired. Yoga is hard work. Walking to yoga takes the same mental effort I used to use to run a marathon. Every week my clothes feel smaller. I can’t stop the weight gain. The double wammy, maybe triple wammy, of menopause, medication, and heart palpitations. I do what ‘they’ say to do and I wonder how much worse would it all be if I worked and didn’t have time to exercise and eat right and avoid stress.

Sometimes trying to hold a simple pose that I used to find easy I wonder if I will ever feel strong again. And I realize what a privilege it was to have had a strong body for so long. Boy do I miss it.

Churro maker of Todos Santos.
Churro maker of Todos Santos.
Moving the plow mules
Moving the plow mules
facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterest

Thanks for the support, everyone

Olive, just because.
Olive, just because.

A reasonable night’s sleep and I am feeling better. Now that everyone knows its fuzzy in my head it feels lighter. Becky’s story in the comments below really, really helped. Me and my car seem destined for some similar loopiness. The other day I parked it awkwardly (I knew I did and I just didn’t care. That’s a new sensation: not giving a hoot). I was sitting nearby and could see if the car caused trouble. Right away the police came by (I happened to be blocking their exit from the police station. That I forgot.) and they honked until I showed up. They must have dealt with middle aged women before. They just smiled and let me move it out of the way with no hassle. Anyway, thanks for the kind words and reality check.

After a life of facts and figures and being wicked smart it’s tough to find the brain wobbly. I’ll get used to it.

facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterest