Alone can be good and bad.

Randy and Burt are great company.
Randy and Burt are great company.

Two weeks away from phones, computers, and social obligations can be a time of productivity and room to try new things and time to just be. The first week went by easily. I never looked to my phone to see what was happening. I cooked. I laundered. I drew. I birded. I walked. I practiced my fiddle. There are new tunes in my fingers and sketches on my pad to prove I was productive. Time passed easily and I got a lot done. Around day ten I noticed I was having a hard time getting things done. I was staying in bed later. I was sitting and staring longer. I hadn’t drawn a plant. I hadn’t practiced my fiddle. The boys were cooking more. I had walked all the roads I could reach from our base camp.

What was going on? My mood was sour. I wanted to accomplish more but nothing was happening. I was in a malaise. One things was clear: I was reading.  Reading has gone by the wayside for writing, birding, and social media-ing. I read three books in the back country. Most notably I read a sweet and moving novel  called The Little Paris Bookshop.   Nina George wrote this stunner. The book is superficially a fluffy chick-lt piece. It reflects on life and lost love. I was sucked in and my mood became melancholy. There were some painful and insightful parts about living in fear or living in love. I finished it and moved on to some manly Jim Harrison as a head clearer.

I couldn’t shake my sadness. I walked and sat and read. The boys worked on the casita and fed me. Then I remembered it was the one year anniversary of my mother’s death from Alzheimer’s disease. Her birthday was at the start of our trip and then I dreamt of her and finally I realized we’d reached the date of her death. I was extra sad that I couldn’t quite recall the exact date. I knew it was between the second, third, or fourth. I was sad because even though I had called my father in advance of leaving and reflected on the upcoming time, I wished I could call him again. I was surprised at the intensity of the loss and the yearning to be comforted and provide comfort to those people feeling the same loss.I’m saying this was good for me. I think I would have been able to push this sadness away if I had more to occupy my mind.

The day after I recognized what was bothering me my mood lifted. Consciously saying I miss my mom made it easier. And a day or two later it was time to head back into the world at large. And here I am.


3 thoughts on “Alone can be good and bad.”

  1. Pretty much exactly how it works for me, when something is working its way through the morass of my consciousness to the light of day. Wish I was quicker at recognizing the pattern….

    Glad your mum visited you in your dream. Love that she changed the ending for you.

    Enjoying The Gypsy adventures, as always!

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